The Inner Child

Some of you may have noticed ... if you were really reading ... that I never mentioned my father ... I mentioned my mother ... my brother and sister ... my boys and grandchildren and my husband ... I even mentioned my dogs and cats ... but nothing about my father ... well give yourselves a gold star for paying attention ...

Obviously I have a father ... but our relationship was never very close ... to say the least ... nevertheless ... I would venture to say that of all the people that have come and gone in my life ... he was one of the most influential ... good or bad ... still remains to be seen ...

Almost from the beginning ... I felt a distance from my father ... it wasnt anything I could ever quite put my finger on ... since I had nothing else to base my feelings on ... but as I grew up ... so did this vague feeling of distance ...

For those of you wondering why on earth I am telling the world all of my business ... that is really not my intention ... I began these pages as of means of self-therapy ... there is a writer and an artist screaming to get out inside of me ... and so I have chosen this media to heal wounds and celebrate overcoming obstacles ... large and small ... and if anything I have to say helps even one person ... then I consider that an added bonus ...

Mom and dad unfortunately did not marry for love ... they were instead the victims of societal pressures ... he was getting ready to go to the Korean War and ... well for lack of a better way of putting this ... they got pregnant ... so they got married ... which for them and the offspring the marriage produced ... was pure HELL ...

Neither of my parents had very happy childhoods and brought to the marriage all the baggage their tender years produced ... and if parents arent happy ... its always the children that end up paying the ultimate price ... a vicious circle I hope and pray to GOD I have been able to break ...

I grew up not knowing what love between a man and woman was all about ... not only did I not see it from my parents ... I didnt receive it from my father ... there was no climbing up on daddy's lap ... cept maybe when I was really young ... no reading bedtime stories ... or any opportunity for me to experiment with my feminine wiles ... such as little girls do with their daddy's ... they say daddy's are a little girls "first boyfriend" ... and I dont mean that in an incestuous way ... but more that little girls learn how to behave or "act" with men later ... based on their relationship with their father ...

A word of warning for all fathers of little girls ... no matter what your circumstances ... make sure you are there for your daughters ... your sons as well ... but I'll get into that more with my pages on my boys ... for this page ... I will concentrate on what happens when little girls dont have a strong ... loving ... bond with their fathers ... what happens to that little girl as she grows into a teenager ... and then a woman ... well I cant speak for all little girls in the world ... but I guarantee my story is not at all unique ...

In addition to the distance ... my father was very controlling and prone to violence on occasion ... I remember one time in particular ... very vividly ... I was awoken by one of my parents' fights ... mom came running into the bedroom my sister and I shared ... with dad close behind ... the next thing I know ... he had her pinned between our bedroom door and the wall and began squishing her ... I cant really remember what my sister was doing but I was crying hysterically ... and then he looked directly into my eyes and I'll never forget his words ... he said "dont worry honey ... daddy's ok" ... I know now that was a major defining moment in my life ... cuz it was the first time I experienced the feeling of pure anger and hatred ...

I also remember mom being in a psych ward ... a few times ... after failed suicide attempts ... which left us in his care in her absence ... I remember eating a lot of pot pies ... TV dinners and veal patties that we fried in an electric fryer ... and having to drink powdered milk ... weird things to remember ... huh ... but that is about all I remember ... except passing by the Magnolia trees on the way to the hospital to visit mom ... that is part of my dilemma ... remembering ... I've realized ... over the years ... that I have blocked out a lot of memories from my childhood ...

Things only continued to get worse ... especially when my sister became pregnant ... at 15 years old ... I remember mom and my sister sitting me down to explain to me and my telling them I already knew ... even tho I didnt know anything about sex or where babies came from ... somehow I just knew ...

Naturally ... he went ballistic ... and told my sister that either she gave the baby up for adoption or ... she would have to leave ... didnt really leave her much choice ... there was no way for her to survive at 15 years old ... on her own ... with a baby to take care of ... and so ... she went to an unwed mother's home about an hour away from home ... and she stayed there ... bonding with the baby growing inside her ... a part of her ... she would never be allowed to know ...

Mom and I visited her every Sunday while I was in school ... and every Tuesday and Sunday that summer ... cuz mom was off on Tuesdays ... I remember when they called to say she was in labor ... and ... I remember that I couldnt go because I wasnt old enough ... mom ... dad and my brother went ... and once my sister's son was born ... a part of her died ... and so my anger and hatred grew ...

Mom finally found the courage to leave ... it was the 4th of July weekend and I had just turned 12 in May ... I remember it being a very bizarre event ... well more bizarre than usual ... cuz apparently dad was getting ready to go on vacation and so mom felt that if we didnt get out before then ... we never would ... however ... the mobile home we were supposed to move into wasnt quite ready ... but ... by the grace of GOD ... a lady we attended church with offered to let us stay in her vacant mobile home until ours was ready ... and so we left ... my sister came with us ... but my brother chose to stay with him ...

Years later I would come to realize that my brother thought mom left him ... apparently she talked to him and gave him the option of going or staying ... since he was 19 years old at the time ... but he doesnt remember that conversation ... and she never knew what he thought ... I can only imagine how he felt all those years ... thinking she abandoned him ... and to this day ... he still isnt quite convinced that conversation ever took place ... guess I am not the only one with blocked memories ... GOD only knows what we cant remember ...

I do remember mom being very nervous and fearful that dad would find us ... and sure enough ... one nite he waited in the parking lot for her to get off work ... and followed us home ... I dont remember it ending up being a major deal ... except that he was upset that she had taken me from him ... after that he made a big deal out of "spending time with me" ...

We went to amusement parks and even took a trip ... with my brother ... back to Wisconsin to visit family ... and then he joined a group called "parents without partners" ... which I thought was quite odd since I didnt feel like he was ever really a parent ... much less a single parent ... until ... he met someone ... then it all began to make sense ... cuz after that he didnt seem to need to spend so much time with me anymore ... I felt confused and frustrated ... it wasnt til years later that I realized I felt used by him ... and so ... just when I thought I couldnt hate him anymore than I already did ... hatred took on a whole new meaning ...

In the pursuing years ... I started smoking cigarettes ... skipping school ... fighting with mom ... drinking ... doing drugs and having sex ... lots of sex ... with nobody in particular ... getting drunk and/or high ... usually both ... and having random sex just seemed to go hand in hand ... I had no idea what I was doing to myself or why ... I felt empty inside ... except for my anger ... it took me years to figure out that my anger was just hurt ... lots of it ... but instead of being able to express hurt ... I would become angry ... that I could handle ... I couldnt handle hurt ... and all the guys were just my way of getting the love and attention I craved ... love and attention I was denied all my life ... but it was all an illusion ...

I was chronically depressed ... but little by little ... I found strength to stop the drugging ... I still had a problem with the drinking for a while tho ... and my relationships with men continued to fail ... I knew I had to figure out why if I was ever gonna be happy ... I did a lot of soul searching ... and was able to figure out most of it ... I came to acknowledge and understand that my insecurities ... doubts and destructive behavior ... and mind you ... what I have written about here .. is only the very tip of the iceberg ... could all be traced back to my relationship ... or lack of ... with my father ...

That relationship ... largely ... defined who I was ... it affected everything in my life ... I always had a sense that I wasnt quite good enough ... that I was never gonna find someone to love me ... or someone I could depend on to be there for me ... that I was never going to succeed in life ... that my dreams would never come true ... fortunately ... I did have a very close loving relationship with my mom or I can guarantee you I would not be writing this today ... I would either be strung out ... in prison ... or dead ... her death gave me a huge wake up call ... it made me realize that life was precious and that I didnt have forever to figure all this out ...

My father is dying now ... has been for a long time ... he is dying very slowly ... I have tried many times to forgive him ... to mend fences ... to somehow heal my relationship with him ... to make peace before he passes ... but he refuses to acknowledge or accept any responsibility ... he denies memories I have of how he treated us ... of incidents I know occurred ... he is still the same bastard he has always been ... even with death at his door ... and apparently doesnt need or want forgiveness or anything else from me ...

So for my sanity ... I walked away ... one last time ... its the only way I can even attempt to forgive him ... for my sake if not for his ... I cant help but feel the reason he has suffered so long and is dying so slowly is cuz he has unfinished business he refuses to deal with ... he refuses to look deep into his soul and see the emotional scars he has inflicted on those around him ... those he should have taken care of ... protected and loved ... I pray for his soul ... that he will find peace ... I also pray for my soul ... my peace ... and that one day I will find a way to forgive him ...

I also pray that one day I will see myself through my eyes ... through the eyes of those who honestly love and care for me ... and not through his eyes and what I believe is his perception of me ... and that I no longer feel the need to pursue his acceptance and love ... that is obviously never going to happen ... and that is a shame ... for him as well as for me ...

I've been through a lot of trials and tribulations in my life ... and as its been said ... that which doesnt kill you ... makes you stronger ... so for that ... I guess I should thankful ... cuz I would not be who I am today if it were not for him ... and if nothing else ... I always have ... continue to be ... and ... always will be a ...

~ S U R V I V O R ~

The only picture I have of me and my dad when I was small
I'm the one in his lap ... my sister is to his right
the other kids are my cousins ... Scottie and Julie
taken June 1961 ... I was 2 years old

Divider

~ Emil Henry ~

~ May 29, 1928 ~ July 1, 2002 ~

Divider

~ special thanx and acknowledgements to the following ~

Artwork used in this background set
Š Josephine Wall ~ All Rights Reserved.

~ Destiny's Child ~ Survivor ~

~ latest revision dated September 19, 2004 ~